There are so many ways to tenderly touch the lives of people who have suffered. As I reminisce about the experiences I’ve had with others in this delicate and emotional area, I find that it still brings before me a tenderness of heart and emotion.
Most all of us have experienced some kind of a loss in our life. Loss is a very real part of life. Losses range from the loss of a friendship, a beloved pet, a dear friend, a family member, your home country. Losses also could involve loss of security, familiar surroundings, innocence, a job and on and on.
All losses touch our heart and ignite within us a vast chasm of emotions. What I find most disturbing and painful is to hear of people, that in their arena of loss, regardless of the degree of pain, some pass through this journey seemingly alone. The Bible says in Galatians 6:2 “Bear one another’s burdens….”
When we come along side friends and family in the loss of a loved one, we can attend a memorial service, send flowers or a card, and while all of that is commendable and honoring to our friend or family member, there is more we can do.
I wish to talk about what transpires after the service, after the buffet of food and fellowship ceases when everyone goes to their individual homes and continue on with their life as normal.
The emptiness of a house of the person in the midst of loss can seem so over-powering and empty that life, as it once was shared, seems to be forever beyond ones grasp.
Sometimes even the air is hard to swallow. The quietness implies that the laughter and conversation will never really return.
In a particular loss I had some years ago, I missed someone asking me, what’s for dinner, how was your day, would you like to go for a ride or a walk? We feel those losses deeply.
Here’s where there is a TREMENDOUS OPPORTUNITY to make a difference in the life of someone who has experienced loss. We often think that we just don’t have “time” in our day, in addition to our responsibilities of life to reach out and get involved with yet another person.
God has other ideas about these seasons in life.
Isn’t it strange that we often must experience things ourselves in order to know “how others might feel?” Walking through a pain or loss, most often sets the stage where we begin to understand how to “tenderly touch” the life of another one going through a similar experience. We all experience pain and grief differently, don’t we.
Believe me, I do not have a handle on all the ways we can lovingly help another through their pain and loss; but I do have a few ideas that I want to express in this delicate story.
When I was a caregiver for my mother, I missed the social connection with others. We have no problem wanting to be around our friends and family when everything is “just fine” and we find them enjoyable to be around. There’s no awkwardness at all in our conversation or in the expression of happiness.
But, if we would be honest, don’t most of us avoid people walking through a painful experience of loss, adjustment, or disappointment. I know I can feel that way sometimes.
On my journey, I began to view this awkwardness from a different perspective….”God’s perspective.” I think our temptation is that when we feel awkward, we don’t know what to say or to do, and we wish we could just take away their pain….but we cannot. God has introduced me to a new thought about this. The first being,
“This isn’t about you…..it’s about the other person.”
I think all of us can agree that many times, we’re so focused on ourselves, that we forget about the other person.
Over and over in life, God seems to say to me…..”it’s not about you!” If we want God to use you and me in the life and loss of another, our focus needs to be on faithfully and practically loving on that person.
I’d like to introduce to you just a few suggestions of outreach that God has been weaving in my life. I cannot “take away someone’s pain,” but I can enter into their life’s experience “of pain” and touch them in tender, practical ways.
May I share just a few ideas that have breathed freshness, tenderness, laughter and love into hearts that are hurting? No one likes to be alone in their pain…and I wanted to share just a few thoughts that have sprung up from my journey with others on ways we can be the “hands and feet” of our caring Jesus to them. Here are some lonely places where people can find themselves:
– People diagnosed with an incurable disease
– Someone who was a 24/7 caregiver for his wife
– People who have either lost a wife or a husband and now they face loneliness
– People recovering from major surgery or expecting major surgery
There are numerous friends of mine, who along with a number of others, have walked a very difficult and emotional journey. Let me share just a few of the ways God has encouraged me to “journey with them.”
This one particular friend who lost his wife, was a dear man. He was a retired pastor who went to the hospital prior to every person’s surgery in the church he attended. He was there at their “pre-op” time just to be with them and pray with them. He was there when others’ lost their spouses. But when this man’s wife went home to heaven, there were very few that reached out to him. People just didn’t know what to say to him.
Many times in life, especially with losses, there “are no words.” Just our presence means the world to someone. Each morning or evening I would phone him to just say hello. I’d ask him a range of questions at various times. Most of all I’d ask him daily, how do you feel today? And then I would “just listen.” Sometimes I would ask what he had for dinner or lunch. But most often I would just say, “Hello, I’m thinking about you and I care.” It wasn’t what I said, but more often how I listened and chose to just be in contact with him.
Listening is a wonderful ministry and a lovely way of telling others you love them, because you don’t have to “know anything….just listen.” Now for me, that’s a freedom I can embrace.
People just need us to walk “with them” through their loss and grief. People need us to “talk and reminisce about their loved one.” People need to know that even though their loved one has gone……most importantly, they are not forgotten. People love to hear us “join them in discussion” about their departed loved one.
I can recall a couple who lost their son through a very difficult challenge. As my husband came across the father of this young son when he was out shopping, he stopped to chat awhile and asked about his son who had now been gone for ten years. The man broke into tears and they entered into a heart-felt discussion about his loss, some ten years earlier. My husband asked him if others would get into a tender dialogue with him about the life of his son. He shared that seldom would anyone ask about his treasured son. His tears were fresh, not because he hadn’t worked through the grieving process, but because my husband had taken the time to want to ask about his dear son.
We may feel uncomfortable about asking about others’ losses, but their heart will know and be grateful that we cared enough to ask. It’s not about us……but about “them.”
More than one grieving friend has shared with me that most people never bring up the loved one’s name because they’re afraid that it will cause more pain. That couldn’t be more wrong. Sharing wonderful experiences about their loved one, keeps their loved one’s memory alive and helps them in the grieving process.
One dear friend said that my calls every day was something she could count on. She knew she wasn’t forgotten. Most all of the friends I have mentioned thus far, do not live in the city where my husband and I reside. So this is “long-distance caring.”
If you’re close by, perhaps a note, a casserole, a banana loaf would be meaningful. If possible, include them once a week for dinner. Many years ago we had a neighbor who lost his wife and we’d have him over for dinner, or a snack, and even watched TV together now and then to get him out of his house. He shared that he felt so connected with others who cared. You may only share popcorn for an evening with someone as you watch TV. It doesn’t matter what you serve them…..but that you cared enough to “include them.”
Each of us have different responsibilities and time restraints, I get that. You may enjoy sharing your baked goods, or a meal, and that’s wonderful. Your “checking in on someone call” may last only four or five minutes. Those “daily calls” to just one person who is in a painful season can make all the difference in the world…for that day…for that week…for that month. You may want to consider that your “five minute ministry.” It’s not a huge commitment, but one that will create a special bond between you and that person.
One particular comment from the daughter of my pastor friend, after he went home to be with the Lord was: “He told me that your calls every day were his lifeline.” I had phoned him daily until God took him home. When we reach out to love on and refresh another, in whatever way we can, large or miniscule, we become refreshed ourselves.
Caregivers need care too! Reaching out to a care-giver can help them in their role of love to those they’re caring for. God sent me two lovely women who “gifted me” with their time and talents.
One woman came every week and attended to a variety of household chores. In addition to that, she would prepare lunch for my Mom and often surprise me with dinner in the oven. My Mother loved having her around and this would free me for a couple hours for a rest or long walk.
Another friend would visit my Mother and I every week. She had many creative abilities. One of them was her garden. She could arrange flowers so beautifully. Honestly, she could arrange a handful of dandelions as though they were roses. She would bring my Mother a bouquet of flowers almost every other week, if not weekly. She refreshed me weekly with her love and caring ways.
She and her husband walked through my care-giving role holding me steady, phoning me, coming over for lunch, decorating our home at Christmas. Each week, she would share of herself in a variety of practical ways. It was a time when I had nothing to give to others. My friend would listen to my tears and my fears, and with never a judgmental word.
When my Mother went home to heaven, they listened for at least a year and a half at my recollections of memories about my Mother. We need to listen to our friends’ stories and memories over and over and over….to assist them through the grieving process. You and I never “get over” our losses; we “get through them.” If a person has a relationship with God, He gives a comfort that is deep and real and He uses others in His care for our hurting hearts.
Yes, we will mourn the losses of those we touch. And that’s because they have become a “treasure” to us. For wherever our treasure is, our heart will be there also. Loving on others whether they are dealing with loneliness or heading “toward heaven,” our tender touches through a call or visit is a ministry in “walking them home.”
I like to tell new acquaintances that I’m the type of friend that can enjoy a bologna sandwich on the curb just to enjoy another’s company. Now, I always need to be that kind of friend to others.
There is another way to love on another’s heart. That is remembering that “DATE” of loss a year later, on the anniversary. Many have shared with me that the anniversary date brings with it a “tremendous” emotion and a full sense of the reminder of what took place.
I have a couple of precious people in my life that I have marked on “my calendar” the date of “their loss.” I phone them on that date and let them know that I’m remembering “with them.” A friend shared with me that when I remember that date with them, she feels her grief is lessened and held in the heart of another.
In one of the neighborhoods we lived, there was a Christmas gathering. Most all of the surrounding neighbors were invited. I remember vividly the day this neighbor lady walked through the door. She seemed a friendly, happy person. For some reason, I was drawn to her and thought to myself, “I’d like to get to know her….but had no idea how that was going to happen as I wasn’t aware of any of her interests.” Well, God did!
I found myself listening intently to what she enjoyed talking about. It wasn’t long before she shared with me that she was alone. Her husband had died two years ago and it was still a painful emotion for her, especially at Christmas time, as that wasn’t far away from the anniversary of her husband’s death. Oddly enough, she shared the date of his passing with me in conversation. My immediate reaction inwardly was to “remember that date.”
Soon after leaving the party, I went to my calendar and marked down the date she gave me. I prayed, and asked the Lord how could I let her know I care about her pain? I’m accustomed to walking our dogs in the neighborhood every day. The moment I came around the corner where she lived, it “dawned on me” what to do…..write a note and put it in this woman’s mail box on the anniversary date.
I prepared the card and put the date of delivery in the upper right-hand corner of the envelope (in pencil of course). Early that morning I made the “delicate delivery.” Within just a few hours I got a “teary telephone call” from her telling me how much my wee note meant to her. She made the comment that it seemed like God put that note in her mailbox for just the appropriate moment. Well, in a sense, God did just that. I was His mail carrier that day.
There is no “greater joy” than to be the hands and feet of our living Savior. Our lives are filled with “Divine opportunities” waiting for our participation. It’s living our lives with “intentionality!” Each day allowing God to order the agenda of our activity. If we’re willing, He is full of surprises that will lead us into the hearts and lives of others, if we’re willing.
It’s a “quiet ministry” to be sure……but one that holds the heart of your friend who has experienced a loss ever-so-gently and with heart-felt compassion.
Kindness is love in action………OUR ACTION!
Cups of Cold Water 